Double Date
by Christine M. Greenleaf
Summary: The Joker and Harley Quinn go out for dinner with Poison Ivy and her new boyfriend. Naturally things don't go smoothly.
1. Chapter 1

**Double Date**

Harley Quinn knocked on the door to the Joker's study. "Puddin'! Fifteen minutes!" she called.

He grunted in response. She shrugged and went down the hall to their bedroom. "I ain't gonna apologize for you when we're late," she muttered, opening the door to her closet and leafing through her clothes. "I'm gonna tell Red whose fault it was too, and let you handle her temper."

She pulled out a cocktail dress, with her signature half red and half black design, and put it on, going over to the mirror and putting on her makeup. "Puddin'!" she called down the hall. "Ten minutes!"

She was greeted with an even louder and more irritated grunt. "Suit yourself," she sighed, brushing out her hair and shaking it over her shoulders. "But I'm leaving on time."

She checked her watch again. "Puddin', five…"

"I'm here, you useless brat!" he snapped, striding into the room.

"You ready to go?" she asked. "Is that what you're wearing?"

"What's wrong with it?" he demanded, looking down.

"Nothing, you just got ink stains all over it," she snapped. "Ain't you got another purple suit?"

He sighed heavily. "Yeah, somewhere," he muttered, opening his closet. "You do the laundry, you dumb blonde, you tell me where it is!"

"Gotta dress you now?" demanded Harley, grabbing his suit from the closet. "What am I, your mother?"

"No, I'm your Daddy and don't you forget it," he retorted.

Harley giggled and kissed him, gazing at him lovingly as he undressed. "You wanna stop staring?" he snapped.

"Can't help it, puddin', you're just so gorgeous," she breathed, kissing him again. "Kinda wish we didn't have to go on this date with Red and her new beau. Maybe you could get your Harley's engine revving instead."

"Maybe I could anyway," he murmured, grinning and returning her kisses. "Five minutes, you said, right?"

"Mr. J, you couldn't do it in five minutes," giggled Harley. "Not in a way that would satisfy both of us."

Five minutes later, Harley sat in the passenger seat of the car, flushed and breathing heavily, but beaming at the Joker, who was driving and wearing a clean purple suit, and looking fairly smug.

"You owe me fifty bucks," he said.

"We never bet money," retorted Harley.

"Yeah, anytime you challenge me, you owe me fifty bucks," he said. "Call it a disobedience charge."

"I don't get paid to obey you, so why would I have to pay for disobeying you?" she snapped.

"Because that's a rule I just made up," he replied. "And it's funny. So I'm going with it."

Harley giggled. "Yeah, it is kinda funny, puddin'," she cooed, kissing his cheek and ruffling his hair.

"You wanna stop?" he snapped, shoving her away and trying to fix his hair in the car mirror. "I told you not to touch the hair when I've put the byrlcreem in! It'll look crooked! Ain't we gotta look our best for this guy?"

"I'd say it's more important that he impresses us," replied Harley. "Y'know I ain't gonna let just any guy date Red – she's my best friend. He's gotta prove to me he's worthy of her. Especially since he ain't of our social set."

"Yeah, who he is?" he asked. "Some nobody from nowhere? He ain't a supercriminal, is he?"

"Just because he ain't a supercriminal don't make him a nobody," replied Harley.

"Is he at least a criminal?" asked Joker.

"I dunno," replied Harley, shrugging. "I'm sure we'll find out. All I know is Red met him through some online dating site."

"What the hell does that mean?" he asked.

"Aw, c'mon, Mr. J, you know!" exclaimed Harley. "Using the internet to meet people! Setting up a virtual profile and getting messages from guys who are interested and then going on dates with them to try to find your soulmate."

"You seem to know a lot about this," he snapped, glaring at her.

"I ain't ever used it, but I know how to use the internet," retorted Harley.

He shook his head. "Internet. Online dating. Virtual profiles," he muttered. "Whatever happened to the good old fashioned way of finding your soulmate?"

"What, become her patient and then seduce her?" asked Harley, grinning at him.

He shrugged. "It worked, didn't it?"

"It sure did, puddin'," she breathed, kissing him.

They parked in front of the Iceberg Lounge and entered at the back to see the usual clientele of supervillains and criminals in the private room reserved for them by the Penguin. He waddled over to them as they entered, puffing on his usual cigar and beaming.

"Joker, Harley, always a pleasure to see you both," he said, holding out his hand. "How is my favorite homicidal couple?"

"Crazier than ever, thanks, Pengers," replied Joker, shaking his hand. Penguin started in pain, and Joker grinned, holding up a nail attached to his palm. "Gotcha, Pengers!"

"Yes, yes, very droll," muttered Penguin, massaging his hand.

"You seen the Weed Lady?" asked Joker. "We're meant to be meeting her and her new farmer here."

"Pamela is dating a farmer?" asked the Penguin, puzzled.

"No, it's a joke," snapped Joker. "Because he's ploughing her field? Aw, c'mon, Pengers, even Harley got that one," he said, as Harley giggled.

"Perhaps she is more attuned to your sense of humor," retorted Penguin.

"Yeah, at least she's got one," replied Joker. He clapped him on the back, and Penguin flinched again as the nail dug into him. "I'm just kidding, Pengers, you're a real sport! How about bringing a couple of pre-dinner cocktails over for me and the lady? I have a feeling we're gonna need them."

He chuckled, striding over to a table in the corner with Harley following. He sat down and looked around, and his face broke into a grin when he saw who was seated at the neighboring table.

"Hope we're not crashing your date, Johnny and Jervis!" he called, waving at them.

"Oh for the love of Carroll, not him," muttered Jervis Tetch, burying his face in his hands.

"Oh for God's sake…it's not a date, Joker!" growled Jonathan Crane. "Why are two men unable to go out for a few drinks together without people thinking they're a couple?"

"Dunno. Sad reflection of the state of society, ain't it?" sighed Joker. "Sad that people can't just be themselves without other people judging. Sad that people have to lie about being on a date with another guy. But don't worry, I don't judge. You can admit it. Always thought you both batted for the other team. Always thought that Alice obsession was just a massive sublimation of your attraction to men, Hatty. Well, what with the top hat thing, it don't take a shrink to see the Freudian implications of that are pretty obvious."

"Hey, I never thought about that before, but it is kinda obvious, ain't it?" exclaimed Harley, beaming.

"Gee, you must not have been a very good shrink, pooh, if you missed that," chuckled Joker. "It's as obvious as Pengers and his cigars."

"What?" snapped Penguin, who had brought over the cocktails.

"Nothing, Pengers," replied Joker, grinning at him. "How's the girlfriend?"

"I don't have a girlfriend," retorted Penguin.

"Not surprised," giggled Joker, and Harley joined in.

"You are a real bastard, you know that?" snapped Crane. "Just because the three of us haven't been as lucky as you and found a woman as special as Harley, there's no need to mock us for it. Why don't you just keep quiet and appreciate what you've got instead of making fun of us for not being as fortunate? I bid you good evening, you heartless monster. Good evening, Harley," he said, nodding politely at her before he strode off.

"Hey, no need to be like that! I think you and Hatty make a cute couple!" called Joker after him, laughing.

Tetch remained seated and didn't remove his head from his hands, except to order another drink.

Poison Ivy entered the room at that moment, followed by an attractive, muscular man, pleasantly tanned and tall. "Sorry we're late," she said, coming over to Joker and Harley's table and smiling. "Ricardo had to finish his workout."

"Sounds like fun," chuckled Joker. "Probably took him more than five minutes, too."

"Sorry?" said Ivy, puzzled.

"Nothing," laughed Joker, as Harley giggled.

"It wasn't his own workout – it was a client," explained Ivy. "Ricardo is a personal trainer. Ricardo, I'd like you to meet the Joker and Harley Quinn. Harley, J, Ricardo," she said, introducing them.

"How ya doing, Ricky?" asked Joker, holding out his hand. Ivy intercepted Ricardo's hand before he could return the handshake, glaring at Joker. He chuckled, and took off the joy buzzer attached to his palm. "Got me, Pammie!" he giggled. "Aw, Ricky, you're lucky you got a gal who knows my tricks!"

"It's Ricardo," corrected Ricardo, humorlessly. "That's the name I was given, so I appreciate being called by it."

"Aw, ain't that cute?" chuckled Joker. "Names ain't never meant a lot to me, Ricky, since I can't really remember the name I was given. I call myself the Joker, but it's a pretty arbitrary thing, and I guess people can call me whatever they want!"

"People can call me Ricardo," retorted Ricardo, firmly.

"Ricardo's a pretty serious-minded guy," said Ivy as they all sat down.

"Really? I couldn't tell," said Joker, grinning. "I can see tonight's gonna be a blast already, eh, Ricky?"

"Puddin', behave yourself," said Harley. "Should we order you both a cocktail before dinner?"

"Ricardo doesn't drink," said Ivy.

"Alcohol does terrible things to your liver," explained Ricardo. "I did a lot of my fitness training with recovering alcoholics, and it was enough to turn me off the stuff forever. People think drinking is just a lot of fun, but honestly it's no joke."

"Oh yeah, you gotta take your health seriously," said Joker, nodding sagely as he reached into his jacket for a cigar. He put it to his lips and lit it, inhaling deeply. "I mean, what's more precious than your life, am I right?"

He exhaled into Ricardo's face. "Puddin'!" hissed Harley, snatching the cigar from him and kicking him under the table.

"I'm sure you're perfectly aware of the dangers of second-hand smoke," said Ricardo. "You're right, there's nothing more precious than life. And smoking isn't just a question of your life – it's also endangering the lives of the people around you."

Joker looked at him. "Y'know, you remind me of someone, Ricky," he said, thoughtfully. "Can't put my finger on it at the moment, but something about the deadpan sincerity, the humorlessness, the value of life…Jesus, it's on the tip of my tongue," he muttered, irritated, as he knocked back the cocktail. "Really gonna annoy me too, until I think of it."

"Should we just order dinner?" asked Ivy, trying to break the silence. "Pengers knows I'll always have my usual," she said, beckoning him over. "Purely processed food, so no plants are harmed in the making of it."

"Harley and me want steaks, rare enough to still taste the blood," said Joker, grinning. "Seeing as we're both bloodthirsty and all," he chuckled, pinching her cheek. She squeaked happily and kissed him.

"I won't bother informing you about the unhealthiness of eating basically raw meat," said Ricardo, glancing at the menu. "I need something gluten free, Pamela. I trust that's an option?"

"Oh, of course, sweetie, I forgot," said Ivy. "Sorry, Pengers, Ricardo can't have gluten," she said. "He's also on a strictly vegan diet. Also, no salt. He's allergic to salt."

"How can a guy be allergic to salt?" asked Joker. "It's like in everything."

"Yes, it's been very difficult," retorted Ricardo. "Thank you for your sympathy."

"So what happens if you have salt?" asked Joker. "Give me details."

"It's not very pleasant – I get a tightness in my chest and I can't breathe, and I start to swell up," he said.

"Yeah, that don't sound like a lotta fun," said Joker, nodding. "Excuse me, I just gotta use the facilities," he said, standing up suddenly and leaving the table.

"And I just gotta…do that too," said Harley, leaping to her feet and following him. She found Joker by the door to the kitchen, speaking to one of the chefs and handing him a packet of salt.

"Mr. J!" exclaimed Harley, rushing over to them and snatching away the salt. "You can't go around trying to make Red's boyfriend have a cardiac arrest!"

"Why not?" asked Joker. "He's no fun. Boring, straight-laced, picky…"

"Look, he ain't my type of guy either, but if he makes Red happy, we should be happy for her," interrupted Harley, firmly. "So why we just sit down and try to have a nice, pleasant evening together?"

"With him?" said Joker, raising his eyebrows. "That's a joke, pooh, but it ain't a funny joke."

"Just be nice, Mr. J!" snapped Harley, dragging him back to the table. "At least now that we've got all the introductions outta the way, we can try to get used to each other and things won't have to be too uncomfortable."

At that moment, the door to the Iceberg Lounge opened, and Two-Face strode in. "Spoke too soon," muttered Harley.

Joker laughed. "Awkward!" he giggled. "Hey, Harvey, come and meet your replacement!" he chuckled, calling him over.

"Excuse me?" said Two-Face, puzzled.

"Pammie's new hunk of manhood," said Joker, nodding at Ricardo. Ivy glared at Joker, but forced a smile as she made the introductions.

"Harvey, this is Ricardo. Ricardo, Harvey. We used to date."

"And I heard when you both were going through a dry spell, you still gave each other a good watering," laughed Joker.

"Pleased to meet you," growled Two-Face, trying to ignore Joker.

"And you, Harvey. You'll pardon me for mentioning it, but have you ever thought of using moisturizer on your face?" asked Ricardo. "It can do wonders, really, you'd be surprised."

"Nah, it's um…third degree burning – pretty permanent," muttered Two-Face. "Nothing a little lotion is going to help anyway."

"Like I said, I think you might be surprised," said Ricardo.

"Ok, thanks, but really it's none of your business," growled Two-Face.

"Hey, I'm just trying to help – no need to get defensive," retorted Ricardo.

"Harvey, why don't you just go away if you're going to be rude?" snapped Ivy.

"Fine by me," retorted Two-Face, storming off.

"Harvey, a quick word in your ear!" exclaimed Joker, running after him.

Harley probably should have been suspicious, but she didn't think the Joker would try the same joke twice. She was mistaken. When the meals were brought, Ricardo only had a bite of his before his face suddenly grew red and he struggled to breathe. The result of which was pure chaos, with Ivy screaming, panicking, and calling an ambulance, and Harley trying to help, while Joker just sat back and calmly ate his steak.

When Ivy and Ricardo had both driven off in the ambulance, Harley turned to Joker, who was wiping his lips with his napkin. "Mr. J," she muttered. "I told you not to put salt in his food!"

"I didn't, pooh," retorted Joker. "I'm completely innocent. It's a mystery to me how salt got in his meal. True, I may have let slip to Harvey that Ricky was allergic to salt, and I may even have provided Harvey with a packet of sodium chloride, but that's it, I swear."

Harley sighed and sat down, cutting into her own steak, which was cold by now. "No point in letting the food go to waste, anyway," she sighed. "I hope Ricardo's ok."

"He'll be fine, pooh, he clearly takes such good care of himself that he's probably harder to kill than…"

He suddenly snapped his fingers. "That's who he reminds me of!" he laughed. "I can't believe I didn't think of it earlier! It's Bats! He's just like Bats if he were even less funny and even more annoying! Aw, now I feel kinda bad for trying to poison the guy! That's not how I'd treat Bats, after all. If he survives this and we all go out again, I'll devise a special death just for him, just to show there's no hard feelings, how about that, pooh?"

"You're such a thoughtful guy, Mr. J," sighed Harley, kissing him. "I'm such a lucky gal to have you."


	2. Chapter 2

Harley hung up the phone and sighed. "That was Red," she said, entering their private gym the next morning. "Ricardo's fine. He was released from the hospital late last night. And this morning they got into a fight and she dumped him."

"Aw, you mean Ricky wasn't Pammie's soulmate after all?" chuckled Joker, facing the punching bag shaped like Batman and cracking his knuckles. "I'm shocked."

"It ain't funny, Mr. J," sighed Harley, beginning her stretching. "I feel bad for her."

"Why? She dumped him," he retorted, as he started beating the punching bag.

"Yeah," agreed Harley, as she leapt onto the balance beam and began doing some handstands. "But Red has a hard time finding guys who are interested in a real relationship with her. I guess it's her own fault – I mean, she don't seem to be that interested in a real relationship. Whenever things get tough with a guy, she always breaks it off. She never weathers the storms and deals with the rough patches, and that's what you gotta do in a real relationship, if you want it to last and grow stronger. I mean, she's always criticizing ours, so I just think she can't understand."

"Yeah, Pammie never was too bright," agreed Joker, continuing to pummel Batman.

"It's not about being bright, it's just about…I guess finding someone worth suffering for," said Harley, spinning around on the balance beam. "Worth fighting for. I mean, you and me, puddin', we've seen the worst of each other and we're still together. We know we can be ourselves around each other, and sometimes that ain't our best selves. But we can still do that because we know we ain't gonna drive each other away. We know we'll both fight for each other, even when we're fighting with each other. Red's never had a relationship that strong, and I feel sorry for her. Guys just love her because of her looks. And I think she just loves guys because of theirs. The moment things get rough, it's over. But that ain't what love's about. Love's about having to put up with crap, with fights and tears, and still believing in it. Still fighting for it…"

"Well, not everyone's as committed as you and me, pumpkin pie," chuckled Joker. "And I guess Pammie just ain't crazy enough to care for someone like that. You gotta admit, it's a pretty crazy thing to do."

"Yeah," agreed Harley, grinning and flipping over to him. "And I wouldn't wanna be sane again for anything in the world," she whispered, kissing him.

He slapped her playfully. "Get back to exercising, you dumb blonde," he murmured.

"You wanna go over some jokes with me, puddin'?" she asked, doing some cartwheels.

"Nah, I feel like a little improv tonight," he retorted. "We'll see what Bats does and go from there."

"You know best, Mr. J!" she said, beaming at him. "When's the job?"

"Eight."

"Sure I can't come with ya, puddin'?"

"It'll be real boring, pooh, I promise," he said. "It's gonna be a simple heist, quick and easy, I'm planning on Bats showing up, but I ain't gonna prepare anything for him. I should be home by ten."

"Should your Harley have anything waiting for you when you get home?" she asked.

"Hmm…well, depending on how it goes, the whoopie cushion might be a good idea," he said, grinning.

She grinned back and kissed him again. "Hope it goes real good, puddin'," she breathed.

"I hope so too," he agreed.

Their hopes were disappointed. About twelve hours later, Joker was speeding through the streets of Gotham closely followed by the Batmobile, when his phone rang. He snarled, picking it up while still trying to drive with one hand.

"Not a good time, Harl!"

"But Mr. J, it's Red! She's been drinking at a bar all night, and she won't pick up the phone anymore, but she's gotta go home and she can't drive! You gotta go pick her up!"

"I'm really busy at the moment, Harley!" he snapped, screeching around a corner. "I don't really have time to pick up Pammie!"

"But you gotta, Mr. J! She's gotta get home safely! She's my best friend and my responsibility! Please, puddin'!"

"I've got the Bat on my tail, and I can't afford to…"

"Please, puddin'! Please, please, please, please, please…"

"All right! Where is she?"

"_The Blue Moon, _just off…"

"I know where it is!" he shouted, turning sharply to the right. The Batmobile was slower on the turn, and hit the pile of trash cans by the side of the road. Joker took the opportunity to lose himself in the twisting streets. "I lost him for now, I'm guessing I got about five minutes to spare," he said down the phone. "She better be sober enough to come with me without protest. Or it ain't gonna be funny."


	3. Chapter 3

Joker threw open the door to _The Blue Moon_ and dashed inside. "There you are!" he exclaimed, rushing over to the bar.

Ivy saw him and snorted. "What do you want?" she muttered, taking a sip from her glass, which she dropped suddenly as he grabbed her around the waist and dragged her off the barstool.

"C'mon, we're getting out of here now," he snapped.

"Don't touch me!" she shrieked, shoving him away. "Don't ever put your filthy hands on me ever again! You're disgusting, just like every other man!"

"Yeah, yeah, we all deserve to be castrated," he snapped, seizing her again. "I don't have time to argue with you, Pammie, just come with me!"

"I ain't going anywhere with you!" she shouted, striking him across the face. "Just leave me alone! I don't wanna be around anyone, especially not guys, and especially not you!"

"Look, you ain't staying here, and you're too plastered to drive, so Harley sent me to take you home, but we need to go now!" he shouted. "The Bat's after me and I ain't going back to Arkham for your sorry ass!"

They both heard a car pull up at that moment and Ivy stared at him. "You brought the Bat here?!" she screamed suddenly. He clapped a hand over her mouth.

"Shut up!" he hissed, seizing her again and dragging her behind the bar. "We ain't here, if anybody asks," he snapped at the barman, who had looked a mixture of bewildered and terrified since Joker had arrived.

Joker removed his hand from Ivy's mouth to reach for his gun, which immediately resulted in a torrent of abuse from Ivy, "Of all the stupid, idiotic, annoying morons I have to deal with, why tonight of all nights am I stuck dealing with the Dumbass Knight and the Joke on Humanity? Or as I like to call them, Gotham's most annoying gay couple…"

Joker clapped his hand over her mouth again as the door opened. Batman slowly entered the room and Joker glared warningly at Ivy to not make a sound as he cocked his gun. And then his phone rang loudly.

Joker sighed and answered the phone. "Yeah, still not a good time, Harley," he said. "Just trying to hide from Batman. Uh huh. Yeah, you did kinda ruin it, cupcake. Well, I don't know how to put my phone on silent. You can show me when I get home. After a stint in Arkham maybe. Uh huh. Yep, love you too. Uh huh, bye bye, sweets."

He hung up the phone and straightened his suit, and then stood up to face Batman, shrugging. "See, if you ask me, technology is more of a hindrance than a help in coping with the hustle and bustle of modern life," he sighed. "I know you'd disagree, being a fan of the Bat-gadgets, but I always thought they were cheat…"

Batman punched him across the face, knocking him to the ground. And then Batman himself was abruptly knocked to the ground as Ivy seized a bottle and smashed it over his head. She then seized another and did the same, and another, and another.

"Hey, lay off, Pammie, I ain't gonna let you kill him!" exclaimed Joker, struggling to his feet and trying to grab the bottle away from her. She smashed it across his face, and then kicked him to the ground, and then turned and started kicking Batman.

"I HATE MEN!" she screamed. "I hate how you're all alike, every single goddamn one of you! Whether you're tall, dark, and brooding, or weedy, pasty, and nuts, you're all the same! Selfish, stupid, unfeeling, inconsiderate jerks, with nothing better to do with your time than play your silly games and let the women in your life languish! You make time for each other, but the instant a gal wants a hint of commitment, you're off like a shot! I'm sick to death of dealing with you creeps! Here's an idea for you, J, why don't you take Batman and leave Gotham forever! Why don't you run away together, someplace romantic, and never show your grinning face here again?! Why don't you two just go and leave the rest of us in peace?!"

Joker had managed to struggle to his feet again. He looked down at Batman and shrugged. "Well, I'm up for it if he is!" he chuckled. "Now, c'mon, Pammie, you've had your little rant, why don't you just calm down…"

A mass of plant vines suddenly burst through the floor, seizing Joker and Batman and restraining them. "Little rant?" hissed Ivy. "Calm down? I don't think you know who you're dealing with, J. I've put up with you and all the jerks like you for far too long, and now I'm gonna end it. I'm gonna end you, and him, and as many men as it takes before you all stop acting like…men!"

"So what, you want us to dress up in skirts and do our hair and talk about cute boys? I'm up for it if he is!" chuckled Joker again.

Ivy slapped him across the face. "I'm stopping the jokes now, J," she hissed. "Permanently."

"Now Pammie, if you killed me, how would Harley feel?" asked Joker, smiling at her.

"She'd probably be upset for a while," agreed Ivy. "But if you stayed alive, you'd just hurt her. You always end up hurting her. She deserves better than that. All women deserve better than selfish creeps who constantly abuse them. But I guess even men can be useful in the end – at least you can be food for my babies. C'mon, boys, it's suppertime," she said, striding out of the bar.


	4. Chapter 4

Batman regained consciousness to the Joker slamming against him in the backseat as the car rounded a turn sharply. "Sorry, Bats, but Pammie's determined to thrust us together," chuckled Joker, grinning at him.

"Get off!" snarled Batman, trying to push him away. And that's when he realized that plants were wrapped tightly around both him and Joker, preventing them from moving.

"Look, this is gonna seem a really strange request, but since you're within easy reach of me, can you slide your hand into my pocket?" asked Joker. "And grab ahold of what's inside?"

"You're joking," muttered Batman.

"It's nothing funny, Bats, I promise!" chuckled Joker. "Just do it, would ya?"

Batman sighed and obeyed him, pulling out Joker's cell phone. He nearly dropped it as Ivy screeched the car around a corner again, sending them both flying to the opposite side of the car, and causing Batman to crush Joker against the door. "Jesus, Bats, you could stand to lose some weight!" hissed Joker. "I know they say muscle weighs more than fat, but this is ridiculous!"

"Who am I meant to be calling?" snapped Batman.

"Harley, unless you got a better idea," he retorted. "Press one and then the green button."

Batman obeyed, and then put the phone down on the seat. Joker crawled over to it. "Hi, pumpkin, it's me," he said. "Look, Pammie's completely smashed, and now she's trying to completely smash me and Bats into a wall if we're lucky, or down the throat of one of her plants if we're not. Why didn't you tell me she was an angry drunk? Like a homicidally angry drunk? Uh huh. Well, look, you wanna try calming her down? She was babbling a bunch of stuff about men, so maybe talking to a woman will knock some sense into her. Ok, hang on. Pammie!" he called.

"What?" she snapped.

"Harley wants to talk to you," he said, nodding at the phone. Ivy seized it and continued to drive with one hand.

"That is so dangerous," commented Joker, indicating Ivy's driving. "Drinking and driving, and talking on a cellphone? We're lucky if we don't end up as stains on the asphalt, I tell ya, Bats."

Ivy took her free hand off the wheel to slap him, and then returned to driving. "Hello?" she said, into the phone.

"Red, listen to me. You wanna let Mr. J and Bats go, you know you do. They ain't done nothing wrong…"

"They're guys, Harley. At the moment that's reason enough for me to kill them."

"Look, Red, I know you're upset about things not working out with Ricardo…"

"It's nothing to do with that, Harley! Well, I guess he was the catalyst; I mean, I dumped the jerk because he wouldn't stop eating plants! It's the least a guy can give up for me! But he's a guy, so he wouldn't give anything up for me, because as usual the relationship was all about him, what he wants, what he needs, and I was just there to serve him! I'm sick of guys treating me like that!"

"Well, maybe you should try talking to them…"

"Talking doesn't do any good, as you well know!" snapped Ivy. "How many times have you tried talking to J to make him change?! They never do!"

"I don't want him to, Red, I love him for who he is. Haven't you ever tried that? Just loving a guy for who he is? For not expecting him to change for you, but just…I dunno…putting up with the faults because you love him?"

"You're crazy, Harley, and I can't expect you to understand a little thing called self-esteem and self-respect," snapped Ivy. "That's all I'm looking for in a relationship, a little respect. But do I get any from guys? Nope. You wanna know why? Because they're guys. Because guys just don't respect women. I mean, look at J. You probably don't even know what respect is, you poor thing."

"Hey, I don't want your pity!" snapped Harley. "I don't deserve your pity! I'm a lucky gal, why can't anyone see that?! Mr. J is great, what we got is great, and I wouldn't change it for the world!"

"You just don't know any different, Harley," replied Ivy. "You've never been in a real relationship that isn't abusive or one-sided or unrequited…"

"If either of us hasn't been in a real relationship, it's you!" interrupted Harley.

"I'm not going to argue with you anymore, Harley," retorted Ivy. "You'll be much happier once the clown is dead, I promise you. Until then, I don't wanna speak to you anymore. Buh bye."

She tossed the phone back into the backseat. "Great job, pooh bear, stellar work as usual," said Joker sarcastically.

"You wanna not be a jerk when you're about to die?" snapped Harley. "Or I won't bother rescuing you! I'm getting a taxi to Red's right now – hopefully I'll get there in time to save you both. Stall the killing for as long as possible, would ya?"

"No need to tell me that, cupcake," he retorted. "You got cash for a taxi?"

"I'll just kill the driver, puddin'."

"Ok. Got a joke to go with that?"

"No. I don't really think I got time to make up…"

"Now pooh bear, you can't go around killing people without jokes. What's the point of killing people if you ain't gonna be funny about it? You think up one for the taxi driver before you do it, ok?"

Harley sighed. "Yes, puddin'."

"That's my girl! See you soon, pumpkin pie!"

"Mr. J…"

"What?"

"Just in case something happens, I want you to know that…I love you."

"Gee, Harl, really? What a surprise! I had no idea you felt that way about me – why didn't you tell me sooner, pumpkin pie?" said Joker sarcastically.

"Well, screw you, then, jerk!" shouted Harley. "I hope Pammie kills you, you ungrateful bastard!"

He chuckled. "Love you too, baby. Buh bye."

"Bye, puddin'! Love you lots!"

"Aw, she's a sweet kid, really," he said, smiling at Batman. "Completely useless in every way, but you can't help who you fall in love with, can you, Bats?"

"You don't love her," retorted both Ivy and Batman at the same time.

"Jinx!" exclaimed Joker. "You both owe me a soda!" He chuckled. "Aw, I'm really glad I decided to improvise the routine tonight – this whole evening is turning out much more exciting than I expected! Thanks for going off the rails, Pammie, it makes for a really fun gag."

"You keep laughing, J," growled Ivy. "You enjoy it. You won't be able to for much longer."

"Obviously you have less faith in Harley than I do," he retorted. "And frankly, that must be close to nothing, because my own faith in the worthless brat sure as hell ain't high!" he chuckled.

"Then why do you keep laughing?" demanded Ivy.

Joker shrugged. "What else can a guy do when he's about to meet his death, Pammie? Might as well go out with a smile, ain't that right, Bats? C'mon, buddy, a little smile? For me?"

Batman ignored him.

"Aw, c'mon, Bats, it can be my last request!" chuckled Joker. "Don't a dying man get a last request? Pammie?"

"Sure. And here's my last request to you. Shut up," retorted Ivy.

"Why don't you try and make me, Plant Lady?" he said.

"That wouldn't be pleasant for either of us, J," she retorted. "Just do as I say."

Joker snorted. "Yeah, right. The day I do anything a dame says is a cold day in hell."

He was thrown forward abruptly as Ivy stopped the car suddenly. She calmly got out and strode over to the back door, opening it. Then she took Joker's face in her hands and kissed him passionately. "Now be a good boy and don't make a sound for the rest of the journey," she whispered, drawing away at last.

Joker tried to respond, but the Poison Ivy toxin she had smeared on his lips forced him to obey her against his will. Ivy returned to the front seat and drove off, making a face. "Dunno what Harley sees in that," she muttered. "I really don't."


	5. Chapter 5

"Yeah, well, I dunno what guys see in you, Pammie," snapped Joker, as the vines in Ivy's home held him against the wall. "Maybe if you got a better personality, guys would be more interested in wanting to be around you for long periods of time! Maybe if you didn't go around threatening them with death, they'd be happier to commit to a relationship with you!"

"I ain't gonna change myself for a guy!" snapped Ivy.

"Oh, you just want them to change themselves for you," he retorted. "Little bit hypocritical, wouldn't you say, Pammie?"

"Look, don't make me kiss you again!" growled Ivy. "It's an experience I, for one, wouldn't care to repeat!"

"Sure, toots, like I believe that," he snorted. "Say what you want – I know the effect I have on women. I drive 'em crazy. Just ask Harley. Once she got a taste of the Big J, there was no turning back from the madness. Of course you haven't really got the full Big J experience, because that's what I call my…"

Ivy slapped him hard across the face. "Don't finish that sentence, you disgusting creep!" she growled. "Just enjoy your last few minutes of life. I'm getting my baby."

Joker chuckled as she strode out of the room. "She definitely wants the Big J," he murmured, grinning.

"Just stop provoking her!" hissed Batman, who was held against the opposite wall.

"Gotta have some fun, Bats, or what's the point?" laughed Joker. "Gotta make the most of the time you got, and what's more lasting than laughter, am I right?"

"Look, I've almost cut my way through these vines," snapped Batman. "If you can just not do anything stupid in the next couple of minutes, I should be able to free myself and subdue Ivy."

"Sure, Bats, no problemo," replied Joker. "Woah!" he exclaimed, as Ivy re-entered the room, with a large, long plant snaking behind her. "Easy to see how Pammie sublimates her craving for the male organ! It's been a real Freudian couple of days all round," he chuckled.

"This is called a Pitcher Plant, J," retorted Ivy. "They're carnivorous plants that usually feed on insects, slowly digesting them over a period of several days. But mine are bigger, and they've developed a taste for bigger types of meat."

Joker laughed. "I knew it, Pammie! You're still thinking about the Big J, ain't ya?"

Ivy just glared back at him. "Goodbye, J, and good riddance," she said. The plant lunged forward, and swallowed Joker in an instant. He fell down the throat of the plant and landed in a pool of sticky liquid at the bottom.

"Aw, what the hell is this?" he muttered, struggling to his feet and trying to brush himself off. "Ruining my other good suit, hope Harley got the ink outta the last one…"

Batman suddenly landed on top of him as the plant swallowed him too. He stood up quickly, looking around. "We have to get out of here," he muttered.

"Fine by me," retorted Joker, still trying to dust himself off. "I gotta say, I never thought it would end like this. You and me being swallowed by a giant phallus. There are some deaths you just can't prepare yourself for," he sighed. "Still, it's nice that we're together," he said, smiling.

Batman ignored him, studying the razor sharp thorns coating the walls of the plant, keeping them trapped inside. "Ok, when we get out, I need you to just stay out of the way," he snapped. "I'll handle Ivy. And this time, when I say don't do anything stupid, don't, or I'll have to knock you unconscious."

"_Jawohl, mein Führer_!" chuckled Joker, saluting. Batman glared at him, and then reached into his utility belt for a small container, containing some gel which he sprayed onto the plant wall.

"Oooh, what's you got there, Bats?" asked Joker, leaning forward. "Bat graffiti?"

"Stand back," muttered Batman, shoving him away and reaching into his belt again. He pressed a button, and the gel exploded, blowing a gaping hole in the plant. Flame and smoke sprayed everywhere as the plant writhed in pain, letting out a high-pitched shriek.

"Baby! No!" screamed Ivy, rushing forward, but she was suddenly knocked to the ground by Batman, who slapped her in handcuffs. Joker followed him, coughing on the smoke and looking back at the plant, which sank lifeless to the ground.

"I ain't really comfortable with the Freudian implications of any of this," he muttered.

The front door was thrown open at that moment and Harley stood in the doorway, gasping. "I'm here, Mr. J!" she exclaimed. "I'm…"

She looked from Batman standing over Ivy in handcuffs, to Joker, to the dead plant, and back. "Oh. You got it under control, huh?"

"Yeah, good thing we didn't need you, pooh," retorted Joker.

"Ain't my fault – the cab driver got lost," snapped Harley. "Shoulda killed him simply for being incompetent, but I waited and did a joke like you said, puddin'."

"And what was it?" he asked.

"I asked him how much the ride cost, and when he told me, I said, 'cab charges really are murder these days,' and shot him in the head!" exclaimed Harley, beaming.

"Oh. Well, I guess it's better than nothing," sighed Joker.

"Doncha like the joke, puddin'?" asked Harley, her face falling.

"It's fine, pooh, it's just been done," he said, shrugging. "I probably could've thought of a better one."

"Yeah, well, it's hard to be real witty when you're worried sick about your best friend trying to kill your boyfriend!" snapped Harley. "You should just be grateful I'm here!"

"Late," he reminded her. "If Bats here hadn't had his little gadgets handy, we might've been digested by that giant phallus by now."

"By the…what?" said Harley, confused.

"Pammie can explain it to you later," chuckled Joker, turning to smile at Ivy. "Just like she can explain to you why she kissed me on the way here."

Harley's face turned murderous. "She…what?" she stammered.

"Oh for God's sake, Harley, I was trying to shut him up using my Poison Ivy toxin!" snapped Ivy. "And it worked! I only regret not making it last longer so I wouldn't have had to hear about the Big J!"

Harley's fury increased. "How do you know about the Big J?" she demanded. "It's mine, you hear me? You ain't ever gonna have it!"

"I don't want it! And frankly I can't believe he's named it! I just said I was trying to…"

"I don't care what your reasons were, Red, you don't go around kissing my guy!" shouted Harley. "I know you're real upset about the break-up and feeling really lonely, but I never thought you'd make a move on Mr. J! He's mine, and we're real happy together, and the thought that you wanted to ruin that happiness for your own selfish reasons…" she broke off, sobbing.

"Harley, I just said it's not like that!" shouted Ivy. "Don't you listen?"

"Why should I listen to you?" snapped Harley. "Trying to come between me and Mr. J, you horrible tramp! After I sent him to look after you and everything, because I cared, you go and betray me like that…"

"Just shut up, Harley!" interrupted Ivy. "Can we get outta here and back to Arkham, Bats?"

Batman nodded, about to drag her away. Harley stopped him. "I will forgive you for this, Red, but it's gonna take some time," she murmured. "I know you're upset and desperate and everything, otherwise I wouldn't be able to forgive you. But you gotta listen to me. There's a guy out there for you, you just gotta be patient and keep looking, and when you find him, you gotta be willing to fight for him. You gotta be willing to take the rough with the smooth, and have a few bad things to make the good things worthwhile. Relationships ain't easy, but they're worth it. The guy you love is gonna be worth it. I promise," she said, kissing Joker.

Ivy snorted as Batman dragged her away and into the waiting Batmobile, which he had summoned remotely. "You should listen to her," said Batman, quietly. "She may horribly deluded, but she's right in this instance."

"Don't make me laugh, Bats," snapped Ivy.

"Look, you can't really think all men are bad," said Batman. "It's just insane to write off a whole group of people from a few bad experiences. And I don't think you're as crazy as all that, Ivy."

She shook her head slowly. "Maybe you're right, Bats," she murmured. "Not all men are bad."

He nodded, and then left her locked in the Batmobile as he went back inside to fetch Joker and Harley. She folded her arms across her chest and muttered, "Some are dead."

**The End**


End file.
